Help Wanted

A large lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a small skinny man showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foreman’s door.

The Foreman took one look at the small man and told him to leave. “Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the Foreman. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the man.

“Holy smokes!” said the Foreman. “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the man.

Confused, the Foreman asked, “Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The man replied, “Oh.. Is that what they call it now?”

A Day Off

Two men are working on a building site.

Jim says to Bob, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” So he climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

The other watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Jim, go home. You’ve gone mad!”

So Jim leaves the site. Bob starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Bob.

Surprise

While on an extended work trip, a man had a passionate affair with an Italian woman. Later, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child. He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide ample child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

“Honey,” she said, “You received a very strange post card today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. One with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Animal Puns

What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose? Ham-boogers.

Why did the turkey join a band? So he could use his drumsticks.

Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? Because he’s always lion.

What is a horse’s favorite drink? Chardoneigh!