Texas Size

A business man from the north is on his first business trip to Texas. As he is checking into his hotel the clerk asks him if he wants a regular room or a Texas-Size room. Of course he asks the difference and is told that a regular room is nice with a single bed, bath and TV. But the Texas sized room has a king sized bed, Jacuzzi tub and 75-inch TV with HBO. Since the business man is on an expense account, he takes the Texas Size room.

Later he goes to the hotel bar for a drink and orders a martini. He gets the same size question and after asking the difference is told that the Texas-Size one is served in a large glass that holds about a quart of booze instead of the smaller 4 ounce one. Of course he takes the larger.

After about an hour of drinking he goes to the dining room for dinner, now somewhat drunk. He orders a steak and gets the same choice. A normal 8 ounce with standard sides, or a 32 ounce ribeye with fixings to match. Of course he chose the Texas-Size meal.

In time he calls the waiter over and asks for the men’s room. The waiter tells him it is down the hall and the door on the left.

About 15 minutes pass and the waiter notices that the man has not come back, and he is concerned due to the man’s intoxication. The waiter goes down to the men’s room to check, but the man is not there. Across the hallway is the door to the hotel’s pool so the waiter decides to look there. When he opens the door he sees the man violently splashing around in the pool. When the man sees the waiter he shouts out in terror: “For God’s sake, don’t flush it!”

Ugly baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “Well you go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Short Ones

Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas? Because he loves Tibet.

What blood type do people from Taiwan have? Taipei.

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

Why is it hard to make friends in Antarctica? Because you can’t break the ice.