Obituary

An old woman calls the newspaper offices to ask to print an obituary for her husband who had passed away.

“What do you want the obituary to say?” asked the man at the newspaper office.

“Fred Smith died.” “That’s it? You can put more in there if you want.”

The woman thinks for a minute and says, “Fred Smith died, boat for sale.”

Confession

Fred, drunk as usual, stumbles into a confessional. The priest waits and waits for him to say something, but he says nothing. Finally, the priest taps on the wall of the confessional.

“Ain’t no use knocking!” Fred shouts. “There ain’t no paper on this side either!”

Driver’s License

A blonde policewoman pulls over a blonde driver, and asks for her license and registration.

The blonde woman asks “What’s a license?” and the officer says “It’s the little square thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

“Oh” responds the woman as she pulls out a pocket mirror, “Here you go.”

The policewoman looks at it and says “Oh, well if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have pulled you over. You’re free to go.”

Paint Job

A man once called a house painter to do some work. He wanted them to paint his porch. After a few hours, the painters knocked on the door for the payment as their work was complete. Before leaving the man asked how it went. They told him it was no problem, but they don’t think it’s a Porsche.

Short Ones

How do billboards communicate? Sign language.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

Where do mansplainers get their water? From a well, actually.

What do you call someone with no nose? Nobody knows.

How do you make a water bed bouncy? Add spring water.

How do trees feel in the spring? Relieved.